Russian rapper Timati’s homophobic rant to 741k instagram followers.

 

Timati is here pictured with Pharrell Williams, who in April spoke out in support of same-sex marriage on  Ellen DeGeneres' show.

Timati is here pictured with Pharrell Williams, who in April spoke out in support of same-sex marriage on Ellen DeGeneres’ show.

Russian rapper Timati’s homophobic rant to 741k instagram followers will make you want to cry and vomit and curse the human race.

Timur Ildarovich Yunusov, otherwise known as Timati, has collaborated with American artists such as Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, P.Diddy and his group Diddy – Dirty Money, Timbaland, Flo Rida, Fat Joe, Xzibit, and Eve.

He’s also a raging homophobe of the most odious variety.

In the aftermath of Conchita Wurst’s Eurovision Victory, Timati, pictured above with ‘Happy’ singer Pharrell Williams, posted a 200-plus word homophobic, violent and hateful rant to his instagram account, which is followed by almost 750,000 people.

In the rant, Timati describes some kind of a post-Eurovision gay Euro-topia where “faggots from all around the world have crawled out into the streets to celebrate their mini triumph, holding hands and French kissing.”

Sounds awesome to me, but Timati, does not like this idea so much.

“If I was out in the public on a day like this, I would most definitely skull fuck them,” he writes, before coming to his senses for a fleeting moment:

“Perhaps saying things like that makes me seem like a moron.”

YES TIMATI. YES IT DOES.

“But I wouldn’t like having to explain to my child one fine day why it’s so-to-say “normal” for two dudes to be kissing or for a woman to have a beard.”

“This is a complex psychological disease of the modern society.”

I’m not going to write any more of what he said because I don’t want to be repeating this disgusting hate speech.

But I hope that by sharing this, people will be able to make their own decision about Timati, who seems to take himself pretty seriously, and ask why in 2014 there are still people in the world who think this kind of hatred is ok.

This is the rant, on Timat's instagram account.

This is the rant on Timat’s instagram account. Nearly 95,000 people have ‘liked’ it. Hopefully that is because they all saw the picture of Conchita and were like “yeah giiiirl, you rule” but didn’t read what Timati wrote.

Private jet, cool.

Timati is pictured here trying to push out a fart.

Timati is pictured here trying to push out a fart.

 

Len Lye to run for mayor despite being dead

Dead serious: Dead artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in in this year's local body elections.

Dead serious: Artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in this year’s local body election.

New Plymouth’s ageing population will be well represented this year if dead artist Len Lye is elected mayor.

The experimental filmmaker and kinetic sculptor, who died in 1980, has joined the mayoral race in New Plymouth, despite protestations that candidates must be living from some.

“He’s fucking dead,” said councillor John ‘Horse’ McLeod, of local body celebrity, celebrity local treasure traffic island.

But others say that if Lye wants to run for mayor, let it lie.

“There is nothing to say whether the mayor cannot run from beyond the grave,” said local body legal expert Prime Minister John Key.

It is yet to be revealed how, if elected, Lye would be present in council chambers.

One source has suggested that council meetings will be held beneath the wind wand on New Plymouth’s coastal walkway.

“There are definitely several options that we will consider, but it is early days and we need to get past the election before we can start seriously thinking about the logistics of the matter,” said New Plymouth District Council chief executive Barbara McKerrow.

Current mayor Harry Duynhoven said that he would be honoured to pass his mayoral regalia onto the wind wand.

“We have options available to us, including cherry pickers and scaffolding,” Mr Duynhoven said.

Voting for local body elections begins on 20 September and closes midday 12 October.

John Walker is Jesus says science and everyone who isn’t blind

JW/JC: Science experts have shown that Jesus and John Walker share identical DNA.

Olympic god: Top science experts have shown that Jesus and John Walker share identical DNA.

New Zealand champion runner John Walker is the son of God, it has been revealed.

Scientific analysis of the DNA on Walker’s 1976 Montreal Olympic uniform matches DNA found on the Shroud of Turn, according to science experts from top science facilities.

“It makes sense,” says number one science expert Prime Minister John Key.

“I mean, look at him, then look at Jesus. They are obviously the same person.”

In a rare show of solidarity between Mr Key and Jesus Christ initial sharer John Campbell, the latter said he too thought Walker was Jesus.

“JC it be,” he said.

Walker, who was born in Papakura in 1952, denied the charges.

“I’m not Jesus, you are all idiots,” he said.

Prime Minister John Key caught, eaten

Mangawhai-fishing-comp-5-2-2011-001 copy

Prime catch: Fisherman Barry Hasslett of Mangawhai said he fried the Prime Minister with butter and seasoned him with salt, parsley and lemon juice.

Prime Minister John Key was caught and eaten by an unknowing fisherman in Mangawhai yesterday.

After a day of fishing for snapper, Barry Haslett went home and cooked his catch, which included the Prime Minister, on his outdoor barbecue.

“If I had known he was the Prime Minister I probably wouldn’t have eaten him,” said the 52-year-old.

“He just looked like another snapper, I love snapper more than anything else.

Mr Haslett said he was sorry that he had eaten Mr Key, but thought New Zealanders probably would not care.

“I just like catching snapper, he was delicious.”

John Key apologises to Fonterra for stealing Andrea Vance’s towel.

Prime minister John Key has issued an apology to Fonterra for stealing Fairfax reporter Andrea Vance’s towel.

The towel was illegally taken from Ms Vance’s office by Parliamentary Services to dry Mr Key’s sweaty brow during an Intelligence and Security Select Committee hearing at Parliament.

“I apologise to Fonterra for taking Ms Vance’s towel, and I hope to return it to her in the state in which it was found,” said Mr Key at Parliament today.

“Ms Vance has a beauty therapist appointment at 11 tomorrow, before her 12:30 lunch date with her mother at Monsoon Poon,” he added.

“She has a session with her personal trainer this evening, and last night she spoke to her dad on Skype for 3 hours.

“I would also like to remind Ms Vance that she needs to collect her dry cleaning tomorrow morning and has a copy of Time magazine due back the city library on Friday.” 

Andrea Vance said she was “mad as hell” about her towel being taken and shared around.

She said she needed the towel for a personal training session later that day.

New Zealand dairy giants Fonterra thanked Mr Key for the apology, tweeting “thanks @JohnKey”.

Mr Key, re-tweered Fonterra, adding “you’re welcome @fonterra”.

Daniel Bedingfield was not available to comment.

Towel

Key apology: John Key apologised to Fonterra for stealing Andrea Vance’s towel.

Fonterra apologises to Daniel Bedingfield

New Zealand dairy giant Fonterra has issued an apology for the theft of Daniel Bedingfield’s towel.

Fonterra said the maroon towel, which was stolen from Bedingfield on Auckland’s Karangahape road, will be dry cleaned and returned to the pop icon as soon as possible.

“We regret any distress we may have caused to Mr Bedingfield, and hope that he will accept our sincerest apologies” said a release from Fonterra issued this afternoon.

“The towel has been well looked after, and will be dry cleaned and returned to Mr Bedingfield.”

Bedingfield was not available to answer questions about the apology, but wrote on his Facebook page that he thought Fonterra’s actions were mean.

“That was my towel. Fonterra are cunts if they think they can just take my towel like that and then just give it back.

“I need it now.”

Bedingfield’s towel was taken on Thursday night after the musical genius performed as part of his New Zealand 2013 tour.

Fonterra followed this afternoon’s apology by tweeting a photo of company CEO Perry with the towel, to prove the towel was being looked after.

Perry, whose full name is John Key, indicated that he hoped Bedingfield and Fonterra will be able to resolve any ill feelings in a tweet to Bedingfield saying: “gotta get thru this.”

561842_10151513575306254_1561874484_n

Back soon: Fonterra have apologised for the theft of Bedingfield’s towel and promise to return it soon.