Len Lye to run for mayor despite being dead

Dead serious: Dead artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in in this year's local body elections.

Dead serious: Artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in this year’s local body election.

New Plymouth’s ageing population will be well represented this year if dead artist Len Lye is elected mayor.

The experimental filmmaker and kinetic sculptor, who died in 1980, has joined the mayoral race in New Plymouth, despite protestations that candidates must be living from some.

“He’s fucking dead,” said councillor John ‘Horse’ McLeod, of local body celebrity, celebrity local treasure traffic island.

But others say that if Lye wants to run for mayor, let it lie.

“There is nothing to say whether the mayor cannot run from beyond the grave,” said local body legal expert Prime Minister John Key.

It is yet to be revealed how, if elected, Lye would be present in council chambers.

One source has suggested that council meetings will be held beneath the wind wand on New Plymouth’s coastal walkway.

“There are definitely several options that we will consider, but it is early days and we need to get past the election before we can start seriously thinking about the logistics of the matter,” said New Plymouth District Council chief executive Barbara McKerrow.

Current mayor Harry Duynhoven said that he would be honoured to pass his mayoral regalia onto the wind wand.

“We have options available to us, including cherry pickers and scaffolding,” Mr Duynhoven said.

Voting for local body elections begins on 20 September and closes midday 12 October.

John Walker is Jesus says science and everyone who isn’t blind

JW/JC: Science experts have shown that Jesus and John Walker share identical DNA.

Olympic god: Top science experts have shown that Jesus and John Walker share identical DNA.

New Zealand champion runner John Walker is the son of God, it has been revealed.

Scientific analysis of the DNA on Walker’s 1976 Montreal Olympic uniform matches DNA found on the Shroud of Turn, according to science experts from top science facilities.

“It makes sense,” says number one science expert Prime Minister John Key.

“I mean, look at him, then look at Jesus. They are obviously the same person.”

In a rare show of solidarity between Mr Key and Jesus Christ initial sharer John Campbell, the latter said he too thought Walker was Jesus.

“JC it be,” he said.

Walker, who was born in Papakura in 1952, denied the charges.

“I’m not Jesus, you are all idiots,” he said.

Prime Minister John Key caught, eaten

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Prime catch: Fisherman Barry Hasslett of Mangawhai said he fried the Prime Minister with butter and seasoned him with salt, parsley and lemon juice.

Prime Minister John Key was caught and eaten by an unknowing fisherman in Mangawhai yesterday.

After a day of fishing for snapper, Barry Haslett went home and cooked his catch, which included the Prime Minister, on his outdoor barbecue.

“If I had known he was the Prime Minister I probably wouldn’t have eaten him,” said the 52-year-old.

“He just looked like another snapper, I love snapper more than anything else.

Mr Haslett said he was sorry that he had eaten Mr Key, but thought New Zealanders probably would not care.

“I just like catching snapper, he was delicious.”

John Key apologises to Fonterra for stealing Andrea Vance’s towel.

Prime minister John Key has issued an apology to Fonterra for stealing Fairfax reporter Andrea Vance’s towel.

The towel was illegally taken from Ms Vance’s office by Parliamentary Services to dry Mr Key’s sweaty brow during an Intelligence and Security Select Committee hearing at Parliament.

“I apologise to Fonterra for taking Ms Vance’s towel, and I hope to return it to her in the state in which it was found,” said Mr Key at Parliament today.

“Ms Vance has a beauty therapist appointment at 11 tomorrow, before her 12:30 lunch date with her mother at Monsoon Poon,” he added.

“She has a session with her personal trainer this evening, and last night she spoke to her dad on Skype for 3 hours.

“I would also like to remind Ms Vance that she needs to collect her dry cleaning tomorrow morning and has a copy of Time magazine due back the city library on Friday.” 

Andrea Vance said she was “mad as hell” about her towel being taken and shared around.

She said she needed the towel for a personal training session later that day.

New Zealand dairy giants Fonterra thanked Mr Key for the apology, tweeting “thanks @JohnKey”.

Mr Key, re-tweered Fonterra, adding “you’re welcome @fonterra”.

Daniel Bedingfield was not available to comment.

Towel

Key apology: John Key apologised to Fonterra for stealing Andrea Vance’s towel.

Fonterra apologises to Daniel Bedingfield

New Zealand dairy giant Fonterra has issued an apology for the theft of Daniel Bedingfield’s towel.

Fonterra said the maroon towel, which was stolen from Bedingfield on Auckland’s Karangahape road, will be dry cleaned and returned to the pop icon as soon as possible.

“We regret any distress we may have caused to Mr Bedingfield, and hope that he will accept our sincerest apologies” said a release from Fonterra issued this afternoon.

“The towel has been well looked after, and will be dry cleaned and returned to Mr Bedingfield.”

Bedingfield was not available to answer questions about the apology, but wrote on his Facebook page that he thought Fonterra’s actions were mean.

“That was my towel. Fonterra are cunts if they think they can just take my towel like that and then just give it back.

“I need it now.”

Bedingfield’s towel was taken on Thursday night after the musical genius performed as part of his New Zealand 2013 tour.

Fonterra followed this afternoon’s apology by tweeting a photo of company CEO Perry with the towel, to prove the towel was being looked after.

Perry, whose full name is John Key, indicated that he hoped Bedingfield and Fonterra will be able to resolve any ill feelings in a tweet to Bedingfield saying: “gotta get thru this.”

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Back soon: Fonterra have apologised for the theft of Bedingfield’s towel and promise to return it soon.

Baby a right royal hoax

Royal prank: The queen was shocked to discover that her great grandson was plastic.

Royal prank: The Queen was shocked to discover her great-grandson was plastic.

The birth of an heir to the British throne yesterday was a hoax orchestrated by two Australian DJs.

Mel Grieg and Michael Christian of 2Day FM revealed this morning they had been posing as the royal couple for the past nine months.

The pair emerged onto the balcony of Buckingham Palace, removing William and Kate masks to reveal their real faces.

“The look on the Queen’s face when she saw Mel take off her mask, mate, priceless,” said Mr Christian, who is in fact, a Christian.

“It was bloody hard work, mate, I had to stop using gel and pronounce the ‘h’ in ‘white’ for ages.

“You wouldn’t believe how often that word comes up in conversation.

“Mel (Greig) had to shove a bloody balloon up her cunt and keep it there for fuckin’ ages,” he added.

The Australian pair had managed to capture the real Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and keep them secured in a room at the rear of The Walkabout, in London’s Shepherd’s Bush.

Mr Christian said they had lured the Royal newlyweds into a mini-cab one evening by waving a piece of fried chicken under the Duchess’ nose.

“She looks so bloody hungry all the time so we thought we’d give it a go. She came after me like a bloody wounded wombat, and Wills came straight in behind her. She gnawed on the bone for ages, eh.”

The Australian DJ said he used hypnotic powers to tie the royal couple with imaginary rope as they were driven to The Walkabout.

The group then shared a pint of Fosters beer, before going to the room in which the pair were imprisoned.

The DJs gave the royal couple copies of the Australian Women’s Weekly, a kitten and a bag of coal to play with over the nine month period.

“We had a DVD player set up for them, and we gave them a bunch of DVDs, but then the DVDs turned out to be Blu Ray not DVD and we couldn’t find a DVD player for ages,” said Ms Grieg.

The couple are said to be in good spirits, and Prince William will be auctioning the coal kitten sculptures he created during the time.

Proceeds will go towards buying some more coal.