Len Lye to run for mayor despite being dead

Dead serious: Dead artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in in this year's local body elections.

Dead serious: Artist Len Lye is running for Mayor of New Plymouth in this year’s local body election.

New Plymouth’s ageing population will be well represented this year if dead artist Len Lye is elected mayor.

The experimental filmmaker and kinetic sculptor, who died in 1980, has joined the mayoral race in New Plymouth, despite protestations that candidates must be living from some.

“He’s fucking dead,” said councillor John ‘Horse’ McLeod, of local body celebrity, celebrity local treasure traffic island.

But others say that if Lye wants to run for mayor, let it lie.

“There is nothing to say whether the mayor cannot run from beyond the grave,” said local body legal expert Prime Minister John Key.

It is yet to be revealed how, if elected, Lye would be present in council chambers.

One source has suggested that council meetings will be held beneath the wind wand on New Plymouth’s coastal walkway.

“There are definitely several options that we will consider, but it is early days and we need to get past the election before we can start seriously thinking about the logistics of the matter,” said New Plymouth District Council chief executive Barbara McKerrow.

Current mayor Harry Duynhoven said that he would be honoured to pass his mayoral regalia onto the wind wand.

“We have options available to us, including cherry pickers and scaffolding,” Mr Duynhoven said.

Voting for local body elections begins on 20 September and closes midday 12 October.

Prime Minister John Key caught, eaten

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Prime catch: Fisherman Barry Hasslett of Mangawhai said he fried the Prime Minister with butter and seasoned him with salt, parsley and lemon juice.

Prime Minister John Key was caught and eaten by an unknowing fisherman in Mangawhai yesterday.

After a day of fishing for snapper, Barry Haslett went home and cooked his catch, which included the Prime Minister, on his outdoor barbecue.

“If I had known he was the Prime Minister I probably wouldn’t have eaten him,” said the 52-year-old.

“He just looked like another snapper, I love snapper more than anything else.

Mr Haslett said he was sorry that he had eaten Mr Key, but thought New Zealanders probably would not care.

“I just like catching snapper, he was delicious.”

Fonterra apologises to Daniel Bedingfield

New Zealand dairy giant Fonterra has issued an apology for the theft of Daniel Bedingfield’s towel.

Fonterra said the maroon towel, which was stolen from Bedingfield on Auckland’s Karangahape road, will be dry cleaned and returned to the pop icon as soon as possible.

“We regret any distress we may have caused to Mr Bedingfield, and hope that he will accept our sincerest apologies” said a release from Fonterra issued this afternoon.

“The towel has been well looked after, and will be dry cleaned and returned to Mr Bedingfield.”

Bedingfield was not available to answer questions about the apology, but wrote on his Facebook page that he thought Fonterra’s actions were mean.

“That was my towel. Fonterra are cunts if they think they can just take my towel like that and then just give it back.

“I need it now.”

Bedingfield’s towel was taken on Thursday night after the musical genius performed as part of his New Zealand 2013 tour.

Fonterra followed this afternoon’s apology by tweeting a photo of company CEO Perry with the towel, to prove the towel was being looked after.

Perry, whose full name is John Key, indicated that he hoped Bedingfield and Fonterra will be able to resolve any ill feelings in a tweet to Bedingfield saying: “gotta get thru this.”

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Back soon: Fonterra have apologised for the theft of Bedingfield’s towel and promise to return it soon.

Baby a right royal hoax

Royal prank: The queen was shocked to discover that her great grandson was plastic.

Royal prank: The Queen was shocked to discover her great-grandson was plastic.

The birth of an heir to the British throne yesterday was a hoax orchestrated by two Australian DJs.

Mel Grieg and Michael Christian of 2Day FM revealed this morning they had been posing as the royal couple for the past nine months.

The pair emerged onto the balcony of Buckingham Palace, removing William and Kate masks to reveal their real faces.

“The look on the Queen’s face when she saw Mel take off her mask, mate, priceless,” said Mr Christian, who is in fact, a Christian.

“It was bloody hard work, mate, I had to stop using gel and pronounce the ‘h’ in ‘white’ for ages.

“You wouldn’t believe how often that word comes up in conversation.

“Mel (Greig) had to shove a bloody balloon up her cunt and keep it there for fuckin’ ages,” he added.

The Australian pair had managed to capture the real Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and keep them secured in a room at the rear of The Walkabout, in London’s Shepherd’s Bush.

Mr Christian said they had lured the Royal newlyweds into a mini-cab one evening by waving a piece of fried chicken under the Duchess’ nose.

“She looks so bloody hungry all the time so we thought we’d give it a go. She came after me like a bloody wounded wombat, and Wills came straight in behind her. She gnawed on the bone for ages, eh.”

The Australian DJ said he used hypnotic powers to tie the royal couple with imaginary rope as they were driven to The Walkabout.

The group then shared a pint of Fosters beer, before going to the room in which the pair were imprisoned.

The DJs gave the royal couple copies of the Australian Women’s Weekly, a kitten and a bag of coal to play with over the nine month period.

“We had a DVD player set up for them, and we gave them a bunch of DVDs, but then the DVDs turned out to be Blu Ray not DVD and we couldn’t find a DVD player for ages,” said Ms Grieg.

The couple are said to be in good spirits, and Prince William will be auctioning the coal kitten sculptures he created during the time.

Proceeds will go towards buying some more coal.

Pakeha Party “huge misunderstanding.”

Cock up: The Pakeha Party facebook page, intended to promote an upcoming clubbing event, was misinterpreted as a political party by disgruntled racists.

Cock up: The Pakeha Party facebook page, intended to promote an upcoming clubbing event, was misinterpreted as a political party by disgruntled racists.

The Pakeha Party announced today that the creation of its Facebook group was a mistake.

Party leader David Ruck said the page was supposed to be set up as an ‘event’ for a party he was organising.

“This is just a huge misunderstanding. I am a party DJ and events planner” said the Christchurch man, who currently lives in Auckland.

“I was creating an event page for a party I am hosting at Sponge Bar. It was pakeha theme. I accidentally created the page as an NGO, because I thought it stood for ‘no girls over’ as in ‘no girls over 25,” said Mr Ruck.

“I don’t want girls over 25 ruining my parties.”

Since its creation, the facebook page has received over 57,000 likes.

Mr Ruck said he expected at least 150 of those people to attend the event on Saturday July 27.

He hoped it would show “the haters” that he was still “a major player in the events and party planning game.”

“There is a small number of DJs in Christchurch who hate my guts, in my opinion because I’m better than them.”

One group of haters had created an event called ‘The Maori Party’ to be held on the same evening at neighbouring Auckland club Chicane, Mr Ruck explained.

“I just don’t think it’s fair” said Mr Ruck.

Maori Party organiser and New Zealand Prime Minister John Key said the Maori Party at Chicane was not intended to compete with Mr Ruck’s Pakeha Party.

He said that it was coincidental that the two venues were adjacent.

“People can party as they like, but the first 50 people to join the Maori Party will get a free Jager shot and a Maori Party singlet at the door.”

The Prime Minister said that women over 25 would be welcome at the event, providing they were dressed appropriately for their age.

“That means no cropped tops and no boots above the knee.”

Mr Ruck was not happy with Mr Key’s comments and said that the Maori Party were receiving venue hire subsidies and preferential treatment from the club owners.

“Any additional benefits the Maori ask for exclusively for Maori – we ask for the same things for Pakeha” he said.

When asked about his opinion on race relations in New Zealand, Mr Ruck said he followed the Melbourne cup annually and he occasionally liked to bet on dogs.